Content © 2008 David Wolfe and Phantagrafix
STUDENTS
DAVE
Ambition: To “blow the lid wide open” on something.
Activities: Debate Team, Satire & Humor, Beach Boys Appreciation Club, Ambivalent Art Studies.
Quote: “how dangerous could it be?”
Nickname: “Buckets”.
DALE
Ambition: Finding a non-elastic “off-the-rack” hat.
Activities: Protective Hygienic Chess, Mathtastic Club, Wrestling, FFA, Slide Rule Lads.
Quote: “You’ll see, you’ll ALL see!”
Nickname: “Big Nose”
SHAY
Ambition: Too many to list within the space provided.
Activities: Driver’s Ed., Home Economics, Auto Body, Dance, Advanced Film Study, Theater, Computer Design.
Quote: “Yes they are, and no you can’t.”
Nickname: (removed)
MIKE
Ambition: Full verbal articulation.
Activities: Football, Fire Making Club, Link Finding Society, Hokey Pokey Pals, Advanced Macramé.
Quote: “Mike poop a little when him sneeze.”
Nickname: “Big”.
FACULTY
MS. PROUST
Social Studies
Very large breasted but doesn’t seem to realize it. Although many of Paranoia High’s students have a warm spot for our Ms. Proust, Dale has a particularly massive crush.
LUCREZIA
Ambition: To expose the world for the scam that it is.
Activities: Metal Shop, Goth Studies, Creative Leather Tooling, Recreational Welding, Flower Arranging.
Quote: “Klaatu birata nikto”
Nickname: “Crez”.
AGNETHA
Ambition: Mrs. Orlando Bloom.
Activities: Cosmetology, Cold Sore Crusaders, Fashion Club, Rash Awareness Society, Track Mascot.
Quote: “I’ll hold your books while you hurl.”
Nickname: “AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!”
IAN STEIN
Science Teacher
Very easily catches fire and explodes. Not excited by much other than science and can’t understand why everyone doesn’t love it. Dale sent him to the hospital once.
DUKE LUTZ
Physical Education
A hunk of tainted beef with a speech impediment. Used to be the star quarterback at Paranoia High back in his own day. Thinks everyone in the world should play football.